Owning My Amazing! "The Journey to Becoming..."

The 11 year old version of me...

Owning My Amazing! The Journey to Becoming…By Dr. Heather Hetheru

We all have a story of our becoming. It may include the good, the bad, the ugly, and the miraculous. We may not have even realized that we were in the midst of “our story of becoming” being written. But I am living proof that WE have a story of becoming—and that our story must be told.

Backstory:

When I was 11 years old, I used to stare in the bathroom mirror trying to imagine what I would look like at 21 years old. It was one of those little annoying habits like watching and waiting for your boobs to grow. There was a season when I would check daily to see if I could actually see myself at 21… at least before there was a loud pounding on the bathroom door from one of my brothers or sisters urging me to come out because they urgently needed to get in.  I was so curious about who she was. What would 21-year-old me be like? What did she do for fun? Was she beautiful? Was she happy? Did she outgrow being clumsy? Did she ever find the “common” sense that my mother claimed I had in such short supply? One day, by pure chance, I looked into the mirror and I saw her staring back at me!

I was both startled and fascinated, and by the look on her face, I could tell she felt the same way! We didn’t share words but we shared thoughts. I could feel that she had a lot of experiences to share to help me feel better about the challenges of being the awkward 11-year-old me. She showed me a glimpse of the day in 8th grade, 2 years from now, when I was pulled into the boys’ bathroom as someone’s bad joke and came out being nicknamed “Heather the Happy Hooker,” a name and reputation that followed me through the first 2 years of high school (in spite of my innocence).  Ironically, over 70% of girls report experiencing sexualized name-calling or rumor-spreading before age 18, and nearly half say it had a lasting impact on their self-esteem and identity formation. — American Association of University Women (AAUW), “Crossing the Line: Sexual Harassment at School,” 2011

She shared the establishment of my identity as a 16-year-old 80’s girl with high heels, mini skirts, and bobby socks—participating in school activities and community causes, standing up for and fighting for those with silenced voices, using my voice for support, encouragement and leading authentically by my inner spirit and strength.  When all the while, I simply felt my actions were prompted by thinking it was just the “right” thing to do or say. I endured most of high school with the judgment of classmates, teachers and counselors who did not see me as “good” enough or “smart” enough for college—especially not having the “right” image to represent the National Honor Society, of which I petitioned.  Consequently, I was not alone.  Black girls are 5.2 times more likely to be suspended and 6 times more likely to be disciplined than white girls—often due to subjective interpretation of behavior as “disrespectful” or “defiant.” — Georgetown Law Center on Poverty and Inequality, “Girlhood Interrupted,” 2017

Often graded by rumors, my looks, and often not by my actual work or productivity; she showed me all the hurtful things that would happen, but most of all that I would and could still persevere.

Surprisingly, more than 1 in 3 Black women (36%) say they’ve been unfairly judged in educational settings because of their appearance or tone. — Gallup & The Kaiser Family Foundation, “Survey of Black Americans,” 2023

She shared that I remained consistent in my treatment of respect and appreciation toward others. In my efforts to make the environments I engaged better, in my junior year I was elected as Class President and helped to put our class on the path of pioneering new expectations for the students and our school because we needed to leave our world (high school) better than we inherited it.

I felt the impact of countless experiences beyond high school where I could see how my words, actions, and deeds became the core framework for my life.

Intention of Action:

21-year-old me showed 11-year-old me that my words, my actions, and deeds began to shape my reputation. I earned the respect of my peers, teachers and administrators and my grades began to reflect the change during my senior year. One teacher recommended me to represent my school in a citywide competition, while another recommended me for a scholarship for my community activism—showcasing how I urged my peers, and others reaching 18 and older, to register and vote!  I was on the right path! Black women are the most consistent and loyal voting bloc in America. In the 2020 election, 93% of Black women voted for policy and leadership alignment on issues of racial justice, education, and health equity.  — Pew Research Center, “Voter Demographics in 2020”

11-year-old me was captivated by 21-year-old me. She was beautiful as her natural hair framed her gentle face and brightened her eager eyes. She was authentic. In her heart, she did not judge others by the same standards that they judged her. She had a voice. She took a stand for what felt like the “right” thing to do or say.  She was her biggest ally! Women who feel they can speak and live authentically in their professional and personal lives report 31% higher life satisfaction and 41% lower stress levels.  — Harvard Business Review, “The Power of Authentic Leadership,” 2020

Solutions for Consideration:

21-year-old me never came back to face 11-year-old me in the mirror after that day. Honestly, I stopped looking for her (and my boobs) in the bathroom mirror. I started living and looking forward to life by the standards that I felt radiated in both of them.  I felt what it was like to be misunderstood. Judged. Different. Labeled. To be discriminated against based on the way you look. I also felt what it was like to be liberated by perseverance and discovering my authentic self.

I had a mix of good stuff seeded inside of me. Resilience developed through early life adversity can result in a 46% increase in emotional intelligence and empathy—two of the strongest predictors of authentic leadership in women.  — Journal of Research in Personality, “Resilience, Adversity, and Leadership Outcomes in Women,” 2019  To see, through the looking glass, if only for a moment, revealed the story of my becoming—and built a life of meaning and purpose.

Now at almost 60, I walk by the mirror. I laugh about the size of my boobs. The gray hairs in places I never knew could grow hair. And I reminisce on the glimpses once found in the 11- and 21-year-old me and think about how the story of “my amazing” is still becoming.

Resources:

Share my “journey of amazing” through one of my 5 Lessons for the Journey books available on Amazon or watch life lessons on my YouTube channel – Dr. Heather Hetheru, Personal Change Coach.