Lessons from the Journey… “A Word to the Women: About Fathers”
- Dr. Heather Hetheru
- Aug 2
- 3 min read
Lessons from the Journey… “A Word to the Women: About Fathers”
By Dr. Heather Hetheru, Personal Change Coach
Good Day Good People!
Backstory:
Some women often ask, “where are the GOOD men”? I respond, “they are in the seed.” Then of course, as you might expect, I get the funny looks of disbelief and confusion. But when you really think about it, isn’t it as true as the question that was asked? Good men don’t just appear—they are manifested through a journey of self-discovery. They are created in the repository of the male producer—the father, then incubated in the womb of the mother, then indoctrinated through the values in a family, then shaped by education, systems, media programming, and finally cultivated by experience and choices.
There is a natural order to the journey of life. Just like female babies, male babies grow and become. They grow into boys; boys to men; men to husbands; and husbands to fathers. Yet, the path is filled with variables—many outside of their control. Here is a jaw-dropping truth: Fatherless homes are statistically linked to nearly every major societal ill. Children in father-absent homes are four times more likely to experience poverty, and 85% of youth in prison come from homes without a father. (U.S. Census Bureau, 2020; National Fatherhood Initiative, 2021) Remember, as women, we are not just passive recipients of the presence or absence of “good men.” We are co-creators. We help shape the “pool” of good men as much as we do good husbands and good fathers.
Intention of Action:
In the shadow of Father’s Day, let me share a few insights into the question of where the “good” men are. After all, it is men who become husbands and fathers! As mentioned before, good men (and good fathers) are in the seed. By seed, I mean the seed in every sense of the word:
The innumerable sperm floating in the sea of possibilities
The seed of an idea planted in the mind of a woman choosing her partner
The seed of a family setting the standard for responsibility
The seed in the media and cultural images that define manhood
From the first classroom of the womb, a boy begins absorbing cues. Scientific research confirms that a fetus can hear and react to sounds by 25 weeks, including the mother’s voice, tone, and even stress level. (American Psychological Association, 2017) This means emotional programming starts before birth—and the first impressions about masculinity, security, and love are often shaped by his mother's relationship to his father. When the mother is the first teacher, it’s her tone, her words, her body language, her emotional safety (or lack thereof), that becomes his internal dictionary on women, relationships, and love.
Statistically, boys who grow up in a home without a father figure are 279% more likely to carry guns and deal drugs than peers who live with both parents. (Harvard Study: Chetty et al., 2016)
We often forget that our pain becomes their foundation, and our healing becomes their liberation. Our single mom ideas and married mom ideas often carry the emotional residue of disappointment or hope. These ideas unconsciously become the expectations we project onto our sons, lovers, and husbands.
Solutions for Consideration:
We’ve given labels to the results of our collective trauma and conditioning:
Mama’s boys—those dependent on emotional ties without self-definition
Abusers—those who reject women as a mirror of their mother’s unresolved wounds
Cheaters—those who seek affection without accountability
According to the CDC, about 1 in 4 women (24.3%) have experienced severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime. (CDC, National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2018) Many of these stories are woven into the boyhood of men who were never taught to feel safe being emotionally vulnerable, often mimicking dysfunction instead of learning connection.
So, where do we begin? We begin with us. By being better, more grounded women. By releasing bitterness, healing past wounds, and becoming intentional about the vision we pour into our children. Because a healed woman raises a whole man. A whole man becomes a solid husband. A solid husband becomes a sacred father. And the cycle of brokenness gets interrupted… by choice.
Resources:
Share my “lesson for the journey” through one of my Lessons for the Journey books (available on Amazon), YouTube videos, and My Secret Chamber podcasts at yourinspiredjourney.com.
Sources & References
U.S. Census Bureau. (2020). Living arrangements of children under 18 years, by age and sex: 2020.
National Fatherhood Initiative. (2021). The Father Absence Crisis in America.
Chetty, R., Hendren, N., & Katz, L. (2016). The effects of exposure to better neighborhoods on children: New evidence from the Moving to Opportunity experiment. Harvard University.
American Psychological Association. (2017). Prenatal development: How your baby grows during pregnancy.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2018). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.
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